As usual, KindleVixen & I were wasting time on MSN when I decided who better than KV to help me interview our favorite Zombie! I’m glad I asked Tiffany to join me, I haven’t laughed this hard in a very long time!

WLP: KindleVixen & I are pleased to have none other than zombie extraordinaire, Amanda Feral here today. Amanda is the host of her own reality show out of Seattle. Thanks for stopping by today Amanda.

AF: Should be interesting. (eyes the hosts) Perhaps. if you don’t bore me. You got in booze up in this shithole?

WLP: I finished your latest memoir, Battle of the Network Zombies, was it hard to write it? I mean you’ve been through hell and back, all in wicked shoes of course.

AF: Hard to write it? Um. No. I have a great memory and whatever I don’t recall is probably too boring to mention, so I just make that shit up. Dialogue and whatever. ::sighs:: But yes, it’s been rough, thankfully I have my friends close by in case I need someone to ridicule. That always lifts my spirits.

WLP: Speaking of shoes, what are your go to “come fuck me shoes”?

AF: Well, this year, to pronounce my willingness to procreate, I’m rocking Louboutin Pigalles. (click on the first shoe). I find that men respond to seeing dead python on a nicely arched foot, please don’t skimp on a pedi, ladies–you don’t want those toes looking like you cling to branches with them.

KV: Since WLP already covered the “come fuck me shoes” – I might as well dive into what we all really want to know. Have you found a lube that works with the zombie lady parts? Maybe the KY warming? 

AF: Listen. You don’t really want to know what lubes me up these days, do you? Let’s just say, after a couple of years rotting from the inside, a certain…natural…lubrication occurs. Now, that’s not to say that the reapers don’t provide me with some vaginal freshening—they do. But in the meantime, I get no complaints and far as I’ve seen…no dicks have been harmed—except for the ones that end up as snack food. Next question!

WLP: We know you love your designer clothing, so who is the designer of the moment?

AF: Alexander McQueen definitely. Distorted herringbone is the new pattern. Make a note of it.

KV: I want to ask about Martin. Now that you confessed to eating him…. do you regret it? Did he taste any different being someone you cared about? Did you at least get a good orgasm from him first?

AF: That! Was a mistake. In fact, it all happened so quickly how can I even be sure it happened at all? If you bitches are trying to rile me. It’s not working. ::sucks at her teeth::

WLP: I have to ask, is Wendy still sporting diapers? Can you at least get her into designer ones?

AF: Oh poor Wendy. She can’t seem to work through that pesky eating disorder of hers. And while I’ll admit to a few indiscretions with a shot of espresso, a maxi pad seems to sop that coffee off my twat like a biscuit on honey.

KV: In Road Trip of the Living Dead you make an unexpected trip to an adult sex store where you introduced me to the wonders of the Fleshlight. Did you grab any souvenirs for yourself?

AF: Uh no. Scott’s rough enough without injecting vibrating equipment into the equation. Something might fall off down there. And I’m fond of my nasty nugget, thank you. Though. I know a certain Pixie who can’t for the life of her stop talking about Fleshlights. I think she’s been watching demonstration videos. Got one on order for the beau? Sicko.

WLP: Have any good Gil gossip; since he wasn’t around much in Battle of the Network Zombies, I’m a nosey bitch. I need to know more about Gil & the fleshlight! Did he get one?

AF: Wasn’t around much? That’s just ridiculous. That I share my book with him, at all, is to show how generous I am. But yeah. Gil’s got himself this boyfriend, while I find the guy totally creepy in an ew-you’re-a-gross-insect kind of way, he’s totally into him and they make out in public until I want to vomit on them just to stop it. But he’s happy, I guess and that’s what matters, right?

KV: Now that you have been a zombie for a while, and are presumably adjusted…would you choose this life for yourself or is there another supernatural you would rather be?

AF: I don’t really have any regrets. Would I prefer the cheaper self-healing of a vampire? Sure, of course, I would. Who wouldn’t? But there are advantages to my situation, not the least of which is an ability to shop at the beginning of trunk sales, while it’s still daylight.

WLP: What do you say to those readers who think you are “gross & disgusting”?

AF: I say look in the mirror, bitches! I don’t pretend to be perfect, nor am I anyone’s “heroine.”

KV: Something I have been wondering…. obviously, and thank god, zombies can shower – but can you take baths? Or does that give you wrinkly old person skin permanently? 

AF: I do prefer to stay out of the water. Particularly since seeing that 20/20 episode about the little fish that the Chinese use to eat dead skin on people’s feet. I suppose it’s the same response people had to the movie Jaws in the 70s.

WLP: How is Feral Inc. going? Is it still going? Should we start a charity?

AF: I’m always happy to accept charity, my bar tab is usually quite extensive. But the business is still up and running. We’re in the entertainment industry now, as you might have guessed.

KV: Considering your bad luck with donut boxes and the nasty consequences of eating a donut as a zombie…do you still splurge in the bakery goodness on occasion? Just asking… some things are worth it.

AF: That’s Wendy’s schtick. Sure. I still think about food. All the time, but donuts are strictly off limits. Now…donut shop customers, that’s another story.

WLP: What kind of human tastes the best?

AF: The one’s that make it into my mouth. Mmm. (wait that sounded dirty) ::shrugs::

KV: In Happy Hour of the Damned it seemed that pre-zombie you were more of a loner, why do you think becoming a zombie changed that and drove you to create your own supernatural A-Team?

AF: That’s tricky. Because it’s true, I was very much focused on my work and my social life was very…limited.  But there was something…whether it was that I was so lost and clueless initially or that I’d lost my precious control and actually needed others to help me through for the first time, it’s hard to say. But it’s funny how that happened, huh?

WLP: What do you think of Mark Henry’s Save Amanda campaign?

AF: He can do whatever he likes. I’ll continue to live my life whatever happens to the books. If it all goes tits up, I might put him out of his misery. That’s probably for the best, even with all the fat and gristle.

KV: How is it writing with Mark Henry? If he suddenly keeled over and died…. is there another author you would want to write your memoirs?

AF: No. Not a chance.

KV: To say that you have a potty mouth is an understatement….. what is your favorite curse word?

AF: Cunt. No, just kidding. I love saying that one, because it gets people going and I love to do that more than anything but, really, I’ve got to go with the old standby: FUCK.

WLP: Thanks Amanda for more than likely causing irreparable damage to our readers, I wouldn’t have had it any other way! And thanks to Tiffany aka KindleVixen for joining me on this joint interview, we have to tag team people more often!

Don’t forget to go out and buy copies of ALL of Mark Henry’s books, because you all need to help us save Amanda. If I don’t get a 4th Amanda book…I may be forced to go nutty bitch on you all. Seriously, I am not playing around. Don’t make me loose Amanda!!!! Look, I’ll even provide the links for you to go buy them, see how nice I am?

Happy Hour of the Damned
Road Trip of the Living Dead
Battle of the Network Zombies (Amanda Feral, Book 3)