When the Wicked Little Pixie asked me to do a guest entry on authors, something along the lines of a The Mighty Buzzard Wants to Know, I was all like, “yeah, absolutely.” Turns out though that there isn’t anything I want to hear from authors as badly as they need to hear this. There have been a good number of authors offering strong opinions on various topics lately, some even verging on heated rants. This one’s for them, in the hopes that they might listen to me where they’ve failed to listen to their publisher.

Do not piss off your fans.

Writing books is a pretty cushy job, yeah? Well there is precisely one thing that keeps you doing that instead of teaching English Lit down at the local community college: Your fans buying your books. The first book of yours they don’t rush out and buy because you pissed them off may very well mark the last advance you get from a publisher.

Now, I see how it’s easy to get confused about exactly what to say here on the great, wide Internet after your publisher has said you should put yourself out there, make yourself accessible to the fans. You might end up thinking that means they want to know your views on a great many matters. You’d be wrong. Mostly what we want to hear are trivialities. Try and use the same approach that has been used at Thanksgiving dinner tables for ages. Steer clear of controversial topics.

Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, your personal blog, it doesn’t matter. Anything you say on the Internet can, and will, be circulated around the entire planet instantly. It’s very important that you remember this. In this day and age it’s even a safe bet that what you say out in the real world while in public will be up on the net and around the world before you’ve stopped speaking. Keep it trivial. Keep it lighthearted. Failing those, remember what your mother told you. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

Politics, personal attacks, piracy, and religion are the four big no-no’s here. Even among a largely homogeneous readership, you can count on at least a third of them holding opinions that are antithetical to yours. Avoid all four topics like the plague.

Politics, personal attacks, and religion should be self explanatory but piracy is something your publisher probably want’s you to come out vocally against. Don’t. Ask Metallica how doing so affected their album sales. I’m not sure that it necessarily carries over to the publishing industry but study after study on motion pictures and music shows that pirates tend to purchase more movies and music than their non-pirate counterparts. They are likely your most rabid fans. Unlike other fans, they’ll still read your books if you piss them off but I guarantee you’ll be moved to their “pirate” list rather than their “buy” list.

Lastly, and I’ve seen several authors make this mistake recently, never get involved in arguments on the Internet. Arguing on the Internet is a bloodsport. I’ve got decades of experience at it and even I get my face slammed in the dirt on a regular basis. Being right isn’t even a defense. Nobody who’s arguing with you even cares if they’re right; they’re just in it for the fight at that point. It’s much worse than highschool and Godwin’s Law is always in effect. If you lose you look like an idiot. Even if you do win, you end up looking like an asshole to a good chunk of people. Neither is a good thing for someone who makes their money in association with their name.

The sole exception here is on your own personal site. Even then, don’t argue. Simply say something to the effect of, “I realize you guys have some strong opinions on the topic but this is a happy place, so I’m going to have to ask that you take it elsewhere,” and close comments on the post, close the thread, or whatever.

I realize not many authors will actually listen to this and learn anything from it but hey, I’m ever the optimist.

-The Mighty Buzzard