I asked my favorite zombie Amanda Feral, to answer some of your reader questions for a new monthly post here. I warned you, but none of you seem to listen to what I have to say. Thanks Amanda for being so, um, honest.

This month’s column seems to be dedicated to Pixie’s reader’s unhealthy preoccupation with vulgar sex acts. I, not being one to judge—oh who am I kidding, I’m always in the mood for that—have agreed to help people achieve the best “me” they can be. Let’s get started, because once I’m at the bottom of this martini, you all are shit out of luck.

 Jennifer writes…

“[What's the] best way to spice up the sex life?”

Well Jennifer, that I have to answer this at all tells me you’re a stranger to back door lovin’. Men love two things, dick jokes and anal sex. My advice is to grab a barrel of lube and a rubber sheet and hit the mattress Jennifer. At the very least, you might lose a couple of pounds.

 Heather writes…

“Do you think the Diva Cup (http://www.divacup.com/) would work better than depends for those unsightly leakages a zombie goes through after coffee intake – just place the Diva Cup in the appropriate location? (I so love the name diva cup!)”

 Two words: Reusable cup. No, Heather, the Diva Cup is hereby banned from our discussion. Who would want to reapply that piece of shit, or clean it for that matter. It’s that kind of budget-conscious bullshit that is destroying the fashion industry, hell, I don’t even like to wear an outfit twice.

 Leah writes…

“Can a human give an animal (say, a donkey?) genital warts?”

Dear Leah, Get out of the fucking barn and book the next available psychotherapy appointment. Clearly your mental health is in jeopardy. Also…please start wearing a name tag, I’ll need to identify you if we’re ever in close proximity. Don’t worry, you’re COMPLETELY safe from being eaten by this zombie.

Synde writes…

“Have you ever lost a limb during sex?”

Obviously, not. I have suffered dislocations, but that’s nothing a thousand dollars and a shark toothed demon child can’t fix.

Tiah writes…

“I have plain brown hair which is about as exciting as a piece of dry wheat toast. I am thinking about dying it blonde. Do you have any hair dying tips?”

Tip #1: get down on your knees and thank the good lord you weren’t born a blonde. Brunettes can go platinum, red, hell, even green and it can work. A blonde on the other hand can never truly rock a mahogany or chestnut. They just look tawdry.

Tip #2: Don’t skimp. If I catch you in the hair dye aisle at Target versus a chair at a decent salon, you won’t be needing a change to feel peppy and alive.

Ale writes…

“Do you think Bella Swan should have picked Jacob instead of Edward?”

Please, that little bitch should have fucked them both and moved on to college and a power career. Pathetic, is what I say.

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Well that’s it kids. Mamma’s gonna finish her hootch and grab a snack. Until next time…

If you have any questions for Amanda, ask them in the comments section and I promise she’ll get back to you…or eat you.