First I want to thank ALL of you who emailed, commented & tweeted to check up on me. I really appreciate every single one of you, you helped me through it.

Long story short, Thursday night I ended up in the ER because of intense side pains. My anxiety was INSANE, I wasn’t sure how the hell I was going to even get to the hospital considering agoraphobia had set in hardcore & I was afraid to leave the house. Thankfully my neighbour was home & she ended up driving me over & staying with me.

I had one of those surreal moments in the hospital waiting room, I really wish you could have all been there to witness it. It reminded me that not everyone in the world is an asshole & I really needed that.

There was a man in the ER waiting room with a baby all of 4 days old, the mother had a complication of some sort & had to be admitted. The man wasn’t the father, but a friend & then it happened…the baby started crying. There were about 10 of us in the waiting room, the girl nearest to him had had a workplace accident & cut open her head. The man said he’d never fed a baby before & he had no idea what to do. What did this girl do? Stood up, sat next to him & rocked this precious little baby. Then she explained how to mix formula for him, while the nurses came over to help him.

That moment is when my anxiety went away, right snap gone. I cried, how amazing to be able to witness something like that. I can’t even describe to you what it felt like to see someone who’d hurt them-self go help someone else WHILE BLEEDING. It touched me.

Anyways, back to moi. Turns out the vomitting I’d been doing for a week strained my abdominal muscles, hence the pain. But the ER doc said I had to go see my family doc the next day. My sister came to take me, since again grips of agoraphobia & having to force myself to leave the house.

My Doc said I had lost 5-7 pounds because of the nausea, my BP was normal but my heart rate was accelerated due to the anxiety. I told him the reason it all kicked in was my momski, I guess in my head I’ve always thought her immortal. I’m extremely close to my momski, being the baby of the family & now knowing she’s getting older terrifies me in ways I can’t begin to explain to you all or I’ll start to cry or give myself anxiety again. Anyways, he said she was healthy for her age & bluntly said Natasha everyone dies. Which logically I know, but you know.

Longest story short, he gave me some kind of gravol which I used twice before my appetite came back in full swing. I still don’t do breakfast foods, but I have been drinking ensure in the mornings to gain the weight back & get something into me.

And I did it, I took a script for a sedative. I didn’t want to but to be honest, at this point I want my life back & if that’s what it takes, fuck it that’s what I’ll do. I’m on 1mg of Ativan (I split the pill in half at that) when needed. So far I took a pill after the Docs on Friday & within an hour my heart rate slowed the hell down. THANK GOD. Imagine having to feel your heart beat for over a week straight, it’s enough to make anyone snap. Saturday I took another half a pill cause it started up again. Sunday, nothing. Today half a pill to slow the heart & the hand shakes.

But even more amazing to me is I put my pumas on, looked & momski today & said lets go. I knew she had to go to the store & I fought the agoraphobia to get outside. This is a HUGE step for someone with agoraphobia, honestly. It’s pathetic to think you fear leaving a safe zone, but it’s all part of anxiety my friends. Ask Paula Deen, she didn’t leave her house for FOUR YEARS. So I went out & stayed out for 45 minutes. I could have cried when I got home, I was so proud of myself. Then after dinner, out we went again for a 30 minute walk. I’m starting to feel like me again. I’m eating, I haven’t thrown up in days.

Next on my agenda, learning meditation, relaxation, CBT & breathing exercises.

So once again, thank you. I really appreciate everything you’ve all done for me & that you listened, that you shared your own stories. I feel like I have my own little neurotic anxiety family.

-Nat