Can you define BDSM, the way you interpret it?
The way I was taught, there is a sub section between BDSM. It really should be two groups that bang against each other a lot, no pun intended. BDSM means Bondage Domination Sado Masochism, but rarely are they all done at the same time. Some people might like the helplessness and gaining or giving of power that Bondage and Domination provides. Some people might love the giving and receiving of pain and all that goes along with the Sado Masochism. But I know Doms and Dommes (both pronounced Dom) who would run for the hills if they had to really apply painful sensation to someone and some who would be bored to tears tying someone up. The people are as varied as the equipment used but there is something for everyone.
First let’s talk about the BD aspect, the Bondage and Domination, if you will. Bondage can mean many things. If you ever had sex and your partner held our hands above your head to halt your movements, you have been dominated. If you have done this, you have dominated. Simply, it is to exert your power over someone. You don’t need specialized equipment to do this either. I have topped a few subs (Submissives) with an untied ribbon and my commands alone. You don’t need a fancy set up with ropes and leather collars, though those are fun. It is mostly about attitude and personality. As for the bondage, it is simply as it sounds, people being bound. You can be bound by a top’s (dominates) words or equipment– leather is my favourite– easily. The hard part is willing giving up power. A submissive has to want to be dominated or it’s not going to work. You have to remember that no one can take your power away from you ultimately, unless you allow them.
This is where Safe, Sane, and Consensual come into play.
To force someone into doing something they don’t want to do is rape. It can be mental, physical, or emotional, but if your partner is unwilling, it is rape. Honesty is most important in a healthy D’s (Dominate) relationship. You have to ask questions and get full and complete answers before you begin. Sometimes contracts are drawn up and amended between the two adults until all parties are satisfied. Submitting to anyone takes a lot of trust and you must be sure not to damage that. Consent must be freely given and accepted before any play is even considered. Trust and Honesty are all.
Now on to, my favorite, the SM! WOOT! I am a sadist and proud. This means that I enjoy inflicting pain upon a person. It’s all about the power and control my submissive gives and how I can make them love to hurt for me. Sadism is simply the desire to inflict pain upon another. Masochists like having pain inflected upon them. I should take this time to explain the difference between play pain and serious damage. Pain is probably the wrong word to use, thought it is most commonly associated with SM play. The proper word is sensation. I love to inflict intense sensation on a person who loves it. I will not beat somebody with a bat because i can. That goes back to the consent and abuse issues. Nope, I like to use implements of our choosing to give my sub what they need most.
That sensation can be as gentle as tugging on their hair or as intense as me using a cane safely on their bodies to make them scream. Again, all of this must be discussed between the two parties before anything can begin. And let me tell you, there are a lot of ways to inflict sensation on a person. There are some things that I won’t get into, I once saw a branding and thought it was the most horrible thing I had ever seen, and I am not into blood play. So both parties have to come into agreement before play begins.
Everyone has to pay attention so that they not harm themselves or do damage emotionally, physically, or mentally. I have seen some broken subs (read really abused here) and their struggle to overcome what was done to them was difficult to watch.
So to sum this answer up, BDSM in my opinion, are kis
sing cousins if you will and are all related to the giving and taking of power and the giving and receiving of intense sensation for mental and or sexual pleasure. It doesn’t have to involve sex at all. Sometimes people want to let go of their responsibilities for a while and have someone care for them and there are others who are willing and eager to take those responsibilities on their shoulders and care for another for a time.
How long have you been active in BDSM?
I was really active in my older teen years. That is when I was introduced to alternative lifestyles and mentored by a great Old School dom named Mike. I miss the big guy! But now that I am married, I keep all sexual play between my husband and I. That is not to say I won’t top an individual in a non sexual way from time to time. But anything that involves sex stays at home.
What’s the one common misconception about the lifestyle you want to dispel?
I think the most common misconception is that we are all sex crazed lunatics having orgies and beating the hell out of each other. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Of course like with anything dealing with people, there are a few rude and ignorant nut jobs that need to be avoided. I am talking the people who read Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty Trilogy or her Exit to Eden (the book not the movie) and think that its oka
y to hang someone upside down by their feet for hours on in is just fine. This is not what the lifestyle is about. That is just wrong.
There are outlets and resources for people who want to be educated before they dive into this world and I urge anyone who is even a bit curious about it to research, find a legitimate group, and talk to people who are experienced and knowledgeable.
Most people in a D’s lifestyle are just like anyone on the streets. It’s just that they embrace their kinks wholeheartedly and explore them with their partners or partners. We are wives and mothers, fathers and husbands; we are doctors and teachers, and authors. WE are you average everyday people and of we chose not to share, no one would know that we are in the lifestyle. I think that is neat. I thank the internet for bringing like minded people together and helping to put out accurate knowledge so that people can anonymously check out the lifestyle if they so wish, and learn that most of the times, books and movies get it wrong.
Do you have any guidelines for those who want to see if they are a fit?
First, be honest with yourself. You have to know what you like, what turns you on, what disgusts or horrifies you before you try anything with someone else. After you do your soul searching and understand what you are looking for, you can then begin to seek out avenues to educate and train yourself. You got to know where you fit in yourself before you find someone else with which to explore.
Again, honesty and trust above all else and it starts with yourself.
What makes a good sub for a dom?
I can tell you what I want in a sub, but it varies. Different people want different things. I want a sub that submits fully but makes me work for it a little.It’s like little changes. I like Sam’s or Sammy’s, Smart assed Masochists. They are fun to play with.
I like a sense of humor about all of this too. Really, all of the traits that go into BDSM can be considered mental disorders in some circles. LOL I mean, really. This can be amusing as hell. I don’t want a sub that is so serious that this becomes the end all and be all. Yes there are times when this is a bog deal and you have to approach it with decorum and a sense of seriousness, but I don’t want to spend my life being all buttoned up. Life is not all about spankings and obedience. If you take yourself too seriously you go crazy.
Also it goes back to having a sub who knows what he wants. I don’t like passive aggressiveness or wishy washy answers. Body language is a good tell but people can master that. Some subs will do things they don’t like just to make their dom happy. That is plain stupid in my book and quite dangerous. You are in it for mutual pleasure and that means both parties get what they want.
I want a sub with excellent self esteem and who takes care of themselves. I am not your mother. I have kids. I am supposed to be your dom. You come to me clean and ready. I can help you get into the mental state to enjoy what I am doing to you, but if I have to stop to tell you to clean up or if you were responsible for putting the toys back and we can’t find what you want, that ends the play for me.
You never play angry, never play when you are drinking, and always approach your sub with the knowledge that they are giving you a gift, the gift of their submission. I want my sub to understand that too.
And above all, I don’t want to be abused by my sub mentally or physically or emotionally. It’s sometimes easier to abuse a top than you think. And if I feel that I am being played, I walk.
So a great sub is honest, has confidence and pride in themselves, will willingly place their trust in me, and will know and own their submissiveness. They will not play games with their pleasure and at the end of the session, we both walk out more relaxed and feeling great about each other and the world.
I guess because I’m not familiar with it, it seems that I usually hear more about male dom’s. Are there more male doms or is it just more “quiet” for lack of a better term to hear about female doms?
Depends on where you go. It was a male Dom that taught me and I was his only female mentee. But I know quite a few female dommes and even more switches. I guess its who you talk to and the area you are in. But there are a lot of females.
I think maybe because power and control are often attributed to men, that seeing a female in that position is shocking and tends to stand out.
Actually, I know more male subs that female. Hm…. *G* Well, they say a good top is hard to find. It’s a lot of work! LOL