WLP Talks With Flash About Being a Domme

Can you define BDSM, the way you interpret it?

The way I was taught, there is a sub section between BDSM. It really should be two groups that bang against each other a lot, no pun intended. BDSM means Bondage Domination Sado Masochism, but rarely are they all done at the same time. Some people might like the helplessness and gaining or giving of power that Bondage and Domination provides. Some people might love the giving and receiving of pain and all that goes along with the Sado Masochism. But I know Doms and Dommes (both pronounced Dom) who would run for the hills if they had to really apply painful sensation to someone and some who would be bored to tears tying someone up. The people are as varied as the equipment used but there is something for everyone.

First let’s talk about the BD aspect, the Bondage and Domination, if you will. Bondage can mean many things. If you ever had sex and your partner held our hands above your head to halt your movements, you have been dominated. If you have done this, you have dominated. Simply, it is to exert your power over someone. You don’t need specialized equipment to do this either. I have topped a few subs (Submissives) with an untied ribbon and my commands alone. You don’t need a fancy set up with ropes and leather collars, though those are fun. It is mostly about attitude and personality. As for the bondage, it is simply as it sounds, people being bound. You can be bound by a top’s (dominates) words or equipment– leather is my favourite– easily. The hard part is willing giving up power. A submissive has to want to be dominated or it’s not going to work. You have to remember that no one can take your power away from you ultimately, unless you allow them.

This is where Safe, Sane, and Consensual come into play.

To force someone into doing something they don’t want to do is rape. It can be mental, physical, or emotional, but if your partner is unwilling, it is rape. Honesty is most important in a healthy D’s (Dominate) relationship. You have to ask questions and get full and complete answers before you begin. Sometimes contracts are drawn up and amended between the two adults until all parties are satisfied. Submitting to anyone takes a lot of trust and you must be sure not to damage that. Consent must be freely given and accepted before any play is even considered. Trust and Honesty are all.

Now on to, my favorite, the SM! WOOT! I am a sadist and proud. This means that I enjoy inflicting pain upon a person. It’s all about the power and control my submissive gives and how I can make them love to hurt for me. Sadism is simply the desire to inflict pain upon another. Masochists like having pain inflected upon them. I should take this time to explain the difference between play pain and serious damage. Pain is probably the wrong word to use, thought it is most commonly associated with SM play. The proper word is sensation. I love to inflict intense sensation on a person who loves it. I will not beat somebody with a bat because i can. That goes back to the consent and abuse issues. Nope, I like to use implements of our choosing to give my sub what they need most.

That sensation can be as gentle as tugging on their hair or as intense as me using a cane safely on their bodies to make them scream. Again, all of this must be discussed between the two parties before anything can begin. And let me tell you, there are a lot of ways to inflict sensation on a person. There are some things that I won’t get into, I once saw a branding and thought it was the most horrible thing I had ever seen, and I am not into blood play. So both parties have to come into agreement before play begins.

Everyone has to pay attention so that they not harm themselves or do damage emotionally, physically, or mentally. I have seen some broken subs (read really abused here) and their struggle to overcome what was done to them was difficult to watch.

So to sum this answer up, BDSM in my opinion, are kis

sing cousins if you will and are all related to the giving and taking of power and the giving and receiving of intense sensation for mental and or sexual pleasure. It doesn’t have to involve sex at all. Sometimes people want to let go of their responsibilities for a while and have someone care for them and there are others who are willing and eager to take those responsibilities on their shoulders and care for another for a time.

How long have you been active in BDSM?

I was really active in my older teen years. That is when I was introduced to alternative lifestyles and mentored by a great Old School dom named Mike. I miss the big guy! But now that I am married, I keep all sexual play between my husband and I. That is not to say I won’t top an individual in a non sexual way from time to time. But anything that involves sex stays at home.

What’s the one common misconception about the lifestyle you want to dispel?

I think the most common misconception is that we are all sex crazed lunatics having orgies and beating the hell out of each other. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Of course like with anything dealing with people, there are a few rude and ignorant nut jobs that need to be avoided. I am talking the people who read Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty Trilogy or her Exit to Eden (the book not the movie) and think that its oka

y to hang someone upside down by their feet for hours on in is just fine. This is not what the lifestyle is about. That is just wrong.

There are outlets and resources for people who want to be educated before they dive into this world and I urge anyone who is even a bit curious about it to research, find a legitimate group, and talk to people who are experienced and knowledgeable.

Most people in a D’s lifestyle are just like anyone on the streets. It’s just that they embrace their kinks wholeheartedly and explore them with their partners or partners. We are wives and mothers, fathers and husbands; we are doctors and teachers, and authors. WE are you average everyday people and of we chose not to share, no one would know that we are in the lifestyle. I think that is neat. I thank the internet for bringing like minded people together and helping to put out accurate knowledge so that people can anonymously check out the lifestyle if they so wish, and learn that most of the times, books and movies get it wrong.

 

Do you have any guidelines for those who want to see if they are a fit?

First, be honest with yourself. You have to know what you like, what turns you on, what disgusts or horrifies you before you try anything with someone else. After you do your soul searching and understand what you are looking for, you can then begin to seek out avenues to educate and train yourself. You got to know where you fit in yourself before you find someone else with which to explore.

Again, honesty and trust above all else and it starts with yourself.

What makes a good sub for a dom?

I can tell you what I want in a sub, but it varies. Different people want different things. I want a sub that submits fully but makes me work for it a little.It’s like little changes. I like Sam’s or Sammy’s, Smart assed Masochists. They are fun to play with.

I like a sense of humor about all of this too. Really, all of the traits that go into BDSM can be considered mental disorders in some circles. LOL I mean, really. This can be amusing as hell. I don’t want a sub that is so serious that this becomes the end all and be all. Yes there are times when this is a bog deal and you have to approach it with decorum and a sense of seriousness, but I don’t want to spend my life being all buttoned up. Life is not all about spankings and obedience. If you take yourself too seriously you go crazy.

Also it goes back to having a sub who knows what he wants. I don’t like passive aggressiveness or wishy washy answers. Body language is a good tell but people can master that. Some subs will do things they don’t like just to make their dom happy. That is plain stupid in my book and quite dangerous. You are in it for mutual pleasure and that means both parties get what they want.

I want a sub with excellent self esteem and who takes care of themselves. I am not your mother. I have kids. I am supposed to be your dom. You come to me clean and ready. I can help you get into the mental state to enjoy what I am doing to you, but if I have to stop to tell you to clean up or if you were responsible for putting the toys back and we can’t find what you want, that ends the play for me.

You never play angry, never play when you are drinking, and always approach your sub with the knowledge that they are giving you a gift, the gift of their submission. I want my sub to understand that too.

And above all, I don’t want to be abused by my sub mentally or physically or emotionally. It’s sometimes easier to abuse a top than you think. And if I feel that I am being played, I walk.

So a great sub is honest, has confidence and pride in themselves, will willingly place their trust in me, and will know and own their submissiveness. They will not play games with their pleasure and at the end of the session, we both walk out more relaxed and feeling great about each other and the world.

I guess because I’m not familiar with it, it seems that I usually hear more about male dom’s. Are there more male doms or is it just more “quiet” for lack of a better term to hear about female doms?

Depends on where you go. It was a male Dom that taught me and I was his only female mentee. But I know quite a few female dommes and even more switches. I guess its who you talk to and the area you are in. But there are a lot of females.

I think maybe because power and control are often attributed to men, that seeing a female in that position is shocking and tends to stand out.

Actually, I know more male subs that female. Hm…. *G* Well, they say a good top is hard to find. It’s a lot of work! LOL

Comments
  • Amy J May 1, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Okay this is my question..
    How exactly do you know if you are a Dom or a sub? What if you like being dominant at times, but other times you just want to give up complete control to your partner. This is what is confusing to some people. We think it is one way only. If you like both, what would that be?
    Sorry if this is a dumb question, but as someone who is wanting to try new things with their realtionship/marriage and venture into it, it is one question that is on my mind.

    • Flash May 1, 2012 at 6:18 pm

      There are never dumb questions, hon.
      There is a clasification of people known as switches. These awesom people have th mind set to be both a Dom or a Sub depending on the scene they are in, their partners, or their moods and needs. There are a lot of switches out there and you just may be one?
      As fr being a Sub or a Dom, that is all your personality and needs. There is not a bush bone in my body, submitting to someone does absolutely nothing for me. I’ve tried it and I only felt s mild boredom and a need to tell the guy who was trying to top me what he was doing wrong, definitely not sub like behavior. LOL It was bad for him and bad for me so we stopped and had cheesecake.
      No one is better qualified to answer. That question but you! Does the idea of submitting turn you on? Is that what you crave? Do you believe emotionally you would find satisfaction in giving control and power over to someone else? Or is it the opposite. That is why I emphasize a lot of self searching and discovery before you venture forth. You have to know what turns you on. You may be a domme, you may be a sub, you may be a switch. But you will only know after a lot of soul searching and experimentation. You don’t have to step into a full scene complete with leather outfit and dungeon room. You can do light play in your bedroom and see what you like best and then go from there.

      Flash

  • Melanie May 1, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    Great post. I love this series of posts. I’ve read a lot of fiction with BDSM. It is great to read about the real side of things.

    • Flash May 1, 2012 at 7:10 pm

      The Wicked Little One had an awesome idea with her fact finding mission. I applauded her asking the right oquestions and opening up a vital discorse about BDSM and the lifestyle in general.

  • Wicked Lil Pixie May 1, 2012 at 6:40 pm

    Thanks a bunch Flash, you rock girl!

    • Flash May 1, 2012 at 7:12 pm

      As do you, hon! Thanks for giving me the opportunity to talk about something that will always be a part of me.

  • Sascha Illyvich May 1, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    Flash covers a LOT of territory and makes some important points here. One thing I noticed was in SALES of BDSM literature, male dom outsells female domme, but I know in reality there are a a fewer female dominants to way more male submissives, probably due to society culture and a plethora of other things.

    Her information is spot on.

    • Flash May 1, 2012 at 7:17 pm

      Sasha is being quiet here. He is a male Dom and Subs and can give you an intriguing point of view from the male perspective.
      And you are right, hon. Male Dom sells a lot more. That may be because the majority of buyers in this market are women. Or because women have so many responsibilities now that they want the fantasy of letting it all go and giving control to another. Who knows?

  • Lynda the Guppy May 1, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    Thanks, Flash, for being willing to tell us about your lifestyle. I’m enjoying learning all about the “real life” side of this. When I read fiction, in the back of my mind I always have this little voice saying “Does it REALLY work like that?” It’s nice to get these different perspectives.

    Thanks, Pixie, for being curious enough to ask people! This whole series of posts is fascinating.

  • Flash May 1, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    No problem at all, Lynda. I am glad to talk about what I have learned and experienced. And it is a blessing to get some actual facts out there to go with the fantasy. Yes, thank you again Pixie!

  • PJ Schnyder May 1, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    Fluffy Puppy Bunny stopping in to say: Really wonderful information in both the interview and in the comments. Thank you both for the interview!
    Also wanted to give big love to both WLP and Flash!

  • Violet May 1, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    Thank you for this wonderful post and series. I agree about trust and communication. It’s so nice to see actual SSC people speaking openly and to met with such courtesy!

    • Flash May 2, 2012 at 8:36 am

      Yeah! My Fluffy Puppy Bunny! She is the scorge of subs everywhere, without even trying! LOL Much love, my PJ. Hugs!

    • Flash May 2, 2012 at 8:39 am

      This is amazing Violet. Its great to have someone show intrest in what we do without the craziness that open media adds to it. Its great seeing people actually ask for accurate information before diving into something with information based on a movie they saw or a book they read.

      Flash

Trackbacks
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