Can you define being a Dom, as it relates to you?
I have a strong, alpha, personality as is, and so it’s easy to translate that control and decision making to other aspects of my life. I like to find out what my potential subs are like, what their fears and aspirations are, and then build our relationship around helping them to attain their goals through a series of rules that help them build self-confidence and consistency – this also requires a combination of rewards and punishments to help them evolve. In this way, I get to exercise my “needs” of control and decision making, and they get their needs of being able to “follow” and forego some of the anxiety over making wrong decisions.
How long have you been active in BDSM?
About a year. I took my first sub about a year ago, and it was a bitter failure since her desire wasn’t strong enough to meet the commitments required and her lack of communication and her consistent disappearing didn’t help any. About a month after, I took another sub who I kept for 6 months and who turned into a poly relationship and then evolved again into a D/d relationship allowing us to keep some of our D/s without the full-blown D/s relationship. I now have a new sub who I’ve been with for about a month.
For you, is being a Dom a 24/7 thing?
Yes. With my wife and fiance (D/d), it’s a 24/7 thing. They have their own lives, but turn to me for a lot of the major decision making. With my sub, it’s also a 24/7 thing though not necessarily in person all the time.
What’s the one common misconception about the lifestyle you want to dispel?
That we are a bunch of controlling and sadistic men with women with low self-esteem and they are able to take advantage of them and make them do as they please and the women give up all control just for some attention.
In terms of pain, what misconceptions would you like to debunk?
Pain is a multi-purpose tool and accessory. Pain can be used during punishment as a corrective – often seen with spankings and/or paddles and/or belts and/or canes. It can also be used during play as a sensory overloader and to provide a dichotomy to the pleasure. Lastly, pain is used to provide a release, much like one would have with a good run or workout, where your body takes the pain and the increasing pain and turns it into something pleasurable and helps you cope – people use pain as a “cleansing” means in that way.
Does it always end in sex?
As for things always ending in sex…the answer, sadly, is no. Sex is always a relationship perk, not a requirement and definitely not even always involved in a D/s relationship (I know quite a few non-sexual D/s and/or M/s relationships where this is absolutely no sex or inappropriate touching as one party is monogamous with another partner). For some of us, sex is used as a reward and comfort – sometimes the sub/slave will want to sexually please her Dom/Master after a punishment as a form of penance, and sometimes the D/M will want to give it as a reward and comfort to their sub/slave for enduring their punishment properly and sometimes you just get cuddles and loved on – this is called After Care…it’s always important to let someone who’s just been punished know that they are still cared for and respected.
SD will be back some time this week to chat with me about pain & the differences between what he does vs. other doms.