Guest Blogger: Jill Sorenson Talks About Vaginas
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Hello there! When Nat asked for guest reviewers I jumped at the chance. We’d been tweeting about face-eating zombies, which led to dirty jokes about dining on other body parts, so of course I decided this would make a good topic. Then I remembered that I’d already covered it. Twice.
But I can always delve deeper, right?
Last week Rep. Lisa Brown was barred from speaking in the Michigan House of Representatives for using the word “vagina” in a debate about reproductive rights. This led to a lot of vagina-tweeting (my favorite!) and questions about why we’re so uncomfortable with female anatomy.
Warning: strong language ahead.
For romance readers, this isn’t a new topic. The word “cock” is widely accepted in mainstream romance, but graphic terms for lady parts aren’t used as often. For every “pussy” and “clit” there are a hundred vague euphemisms like “down there” and “pleasure spot.”
Is That Legal?
I’ve had to soften the language in my sex scenes a few times. I was once asked to change “clit” to something else because of Harlequin Romantic Suspense guidelines. I can’t remember what I used instead, but it didn’t even occur to me that I could switch it to “clitoris.” I thought of clit as a shortened clinical term, not crude slang.
If the word “vagina” is offensive, what about clit or clitoris? Or vulva? I’m afraid the House of Representatives would explode upon hearing those words, and not in ecstasy.
Which brings me to the TMI portion of the guest blog. If you don’t want to know about my wild sexcapades, click away! I have personal reasons for believing it’s important to have candid conversations about our bodies and use specific terms. Smart Bitches, Trashy Books has hosted an interesting discussion about the misplaced hymen. I’m more concerned about the missing clitoris. As a young woman, I read a lot of romance novels in which the virginal heroine reached multiple orgasms from penetration alone.
I thought something was wrong with me because I didn’t have these elusive “vaginal orgasms.” In fact, I didn’t have orgasms at all (with a partner) for many years. I’m not blaming romance novels for my own ignorance, but I do feel that they contributed to the problem. The depiction of romantic sex as always perfect and effortless with the right man didn’t help, either.
Later, when I started writing romance novels, I did some research (the book kind) and found out that the majority of women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm. What? I’m normal? But even after learning this, I wrote a sex scene in which the heroine climaxes from penetration alone. It’s a strong fantasy, and authors tend to write what they read. Stereotypes are perpetuated this way.
Now, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with women who can orgasm on command, or by fantasy alone, or from g-spot stimulation. My truth is that I cannot. And I don’t want to make women like me feel as if they’re failing in the bedroom. So I’ve decided to write sex scenes that involve some sort of clit action. For me, it’s more accessible, and I prefer a side order of realism with my romance. Perfection is unattainable; satisfying sex shouldn’t be.
Vaginas are important! But the clitoris is the center of female pleasure. It deserves an honorable mention.
Thank you for your support. 
Questions: Why are we more comfortable with male parts than female parts? Do you appreciate frank language or prefer softer terms in love scenes? Is female sexuality powerful and scary? Have you ever felt let down or confused by romance novel sex?
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[...] real-life consequences too, as many a reader has attested). Author Jill Sorenson recently did a great post on why she tries to bring a little more realism about women’s sexuality to her [...]
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[...] for more? I’ve got you covered! Check out my guest post about orgasms and female anatomy at the same site from last [...]
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Male parts just seem to have better names. I hate the word vagina. I feel like it goes on forever, vaginaaaaaaaaaaa, but that’s just me.
I don’t feel confused or let down by romance novels, but I can tell you that when it comes to penetration-only sex scenes followed by explosive, magical orgasms I roll my eyes, A LOT.
I get that what I’m reading is fantasy, but always in the back of my mind there’s a little that says stuff like, “Sure, the Scottish virgin just had 3 orgasms with the Laird the first time they had sex when all he did was put it in and touch her boobies.” or “Yeah, that TOTALLY happened without lube.”
I’ve heard this a lot and I suspect there is more going on here. Male parts don’t have better names, we just find them sexier. Oh, and if we don’t like the names for our own damned body parts, why don’t we think of new ones? I’m not sure the words matter as much as our feelings about what those words represent.
I’m with Sara, the term vagina just goes on and on. Another word I hate is “he fondled her sex” I hate when the term sex is used to describe a vagina, it drives me nutty. Penis just sounds prettier then vagina, it flows better.
See, I just can’t separate the words from the actual things. Vaginas are prettier than penises! Both words for me are just neutral, neither sexy nor off-putting.
Vaginas ARE prettier, but the word just rubs me wrong…pun intended.
Ha! Maybe if you say it 1,000 times it will grow on you.
Another word people don’t like is moist. Is this vagina-related? Let’s put them together: MOIST VAGINA.
I’m not wild about any of the anatomical words for “down there” parts, male or female, but I have to say, vagina is one of the worst. I tend to hear the words I’m reading in my head and vagina, with that long “i” in the middle, and the unusual starting letter usually jolts me right out of the story. I actually prefer va-jay-jay but it doesn’t work in romantic scenes, although it works just fine in comedic ones (thanks Grey’s Anatomy!). Clit, or clitoris, pussy, and vulva don’t bother me as much because they are so much softer sounding in my head. The problem is that vulva and pussy don’t really work that well as substitutes, so we are kind of stuck with no alternatives.
Here I agree. There are softer sounding words that aren’t as jarring in sex scenes. Pussy to me can mean vulva or vagina, and substitutes for either. But I can’t use it all the time, so I’m stuck with “her sex” or other euphemisms, which I don’t mind.
This is a great post! And Jill, it IS important. I completely share your experience and if I ever gave women any sex advice, it would be “make sure you have an orgasm, even if you have to help”. It doesn’t always just happen automatically from penetration alone. I try to include that in my sex scenes too. It’s also true we’re lacking good parts for female anatomy, though I’m quite fond of “pussy”:-)
Oh, I know! I can’t believe I went so long without even…identifying that there was a problem. But I think it’s pretty common for women to have communication issues and be more focused on pleasing a partner than pleasing themselves.
I wrote this post was because I thought it might help someone. I can’t stress the importance of valuing your own pleasure enough to speak up and, you know, get some. He gets his, right? Every time. And men are very eager to make it happen, but they aren’t always mind readers.
The various technical terms for female genitalia are kind of awkward sounding—vulva, vagina, clitoris (clit is much better). Their use don’t pull me out of story, but if those are the only type of words use it sound unnatural. Much better to use at least a few explicit terms, especially when the characters are talking during sex—I assume most people say “pussy” before “vagina” when they’re getting in on. Softer terms are okay but only if they fit the tone of the book. Don’t say “down there” when the hero just inserted an anal plug into the heroine, you know?
The magical instant vaginal orgasm is one of those romance conventions that have never bothered me. I’ve always thought it kind of silly, but it’s one of those things I was able to brush off as simply fantasy and let it go. And then I read an erotic romance last year where the heroine tells the hero—while they’re having sex—that she needs direct stimulation on her clit to orgasm, and the familiarity of that scene completely blew my mind. Why don’t we see more scenes like that in romance? Now it’s something I always pay attention to during sex scenes. It doesn’t have to be stated outright, but I like it when there at least the implication that the hero or heroine are adjusting what they’re doing to make sure both of them are enjoying themselves—one of them changes the angle to make sure the right spots are being rubbed, things like that.
Yes yes yes! (See my orgasm joke?) I think a skilled author can use almost any word in a sex scene without jarring the reader, but I agree that clinical terms are more difficult. I think I’ve read “walls of her vagina,” which probably sounds awkward out of context. But there is such a thing as too much pussy IMO. A mix of some softer words with a few graphic terms for punch, especially in hero POV, works for me. When cock or pussy is in every sentence, it loses its effect.
Want to hear something interesting? I belong to a very popular sewing site called Pattern Review and, in the boards, when women (the vast majority of members, and mostly US citizens) are discussing pattern alterations, specifically Full Bust Alterations for the C-cup and up, they can’t seem to write BREAST or NIPPLE. Instead, they use Bust or Apex *wild eyeroll* I have no problem with the words vagina, mons pubis, vulva, breast, nipple, penis, anus etc. Maybe because I’m a French speaker and I took Latin in High School? The only word I have trouble with is behind/butt/buttocks etc. Spontaneously, I would say derrière but it seems to have this odd connotation in US English. In my own language, Haitian Creole, we use words that are more familiar/colloquial maybe even childish like Bounda for behind (it’s more ass than behind, actually). Not that there are not taboos. In mixed company, people love to use Matrice for the whole of female genitalia while I keep visualizing an apparent uterus. Very bizarre. As for what words are more comfortable, I wonder if there isn’t a “male gaze” thing going on. I still don’t get why a vagina, or rather we are talking mostly about the vulva, which is more discreet in shape/location would be more shocking than a penis. I’m thinking here of movies. A friend of mine studied film at NFA and was telling me about all the censorship criteria. Why are naked breasts “normal” but vulvas/penises too much? I don’t get it. After all, a naked woman standing face forward shows her breast and mons pubis, non? (Don’t get me started on public breast feeding, the controversy over that one escapes me completely!!!)
I would LOVE to hear you speak Creole, especially the dirtier words LOL! I don’t get why breasts and nipples are such hard words to say, you’d think they were in grade school!
I don’t get why people are uptight about breasts, nipples etc. Janet Jackson flashed hers, sort of, and created a huge controversy, but I wonder if Britney Spears would have been able to get away with it. That’s a different topic! Your “male gaze” comment is interesting, and relates to what I said upthread about women not liking any of the words for female parts. Why haven’t we made up new words? The graphic terms originated with men, I assume. Are words that men use & enjoy (pussy) more attractive to us than our own words would be? Like most women, I want to think of myself & my parts as desirable to men, so I don’t know how to take male gaze out of the equation.
And yes, we are talking about vulvas more than vaginas, thank you. I often say vagina to refer to the entire area, which is technically wrong but sort of colloquial these days.
A great post to read right after Liz Mc’s. My particular pet peeve is how romance heroes always know exactly the right way to touch the heroine — it’s never too hard or too soft or just a few inches to the left… there is a learning curve and I’d love to see that come up more often.
I’m glad Liz linked back because I feel remiss in not including her in the links. Her post “Let’s Talk About Sex Words” was one of the inspirations for this post. The idea that authors regurgitate what we read isn’t a new one (Heyer’s Regency England & hymens are two examples) but her post got me thinking about how that relates to sex scenes.
I wonder if the penetration-orgasm is linked in some way to the more passive sexuality women are taught? Like the ideal orgasm is the one that’s given to you by the man? My CP and I were talking the other day about whether having powerful women in charge of their own pleasure is something women have to work up to imaginatively – like it’s not the first scenario that springs to mind when you think about sex. I’d love to see more writers pushing for that kind of sex, though.
And Willaful – omg yes! Learning curve! I wonder if it’s part of the sexual fantasy to never have those awkward conversations take place. However, I see romance as a powerful way for women to discuss sexuality – and I feel like if an author could make those conversations romantic/funny/touching/integral to the relationship, it would help women take on having those conversations instead of being sexual martyrs (I’m not excluding myself here, btw).
The learning curve–yes. That rings very true to me. I’ve read (and written) scenes in which the hero watches the heroine touch herself. It’s a simple way to clue him in without too much direction.
I think a man who takes charge and doesn’t need direction is a common fantasy for women. I mean, I work hard. I’m tired. I bark orders at the kids all day. I see the appeal in letting go of all that and not being passive, exactly, but being paid attention to.
I’ve been thinking about communication and how to include it in my sex scenes. I’m not an erotic romance author, but I could do more with this. I can do a better job of making my scenes sexy AND real. I’d like to help more women avoid the “martyr” pitfall. It’s not good for women and it’s terrible for the relationship.
Thanks everyone for the thoughtful comments!!