WLP Tells You Why Your Vagina Isn’t Special.

clamI can say with all certainty  my vagina isn’t special. That means your vagina isn’t special either. Sorry to break the news to you this way, but it’s all the truth.

It doesn’t come with mystical regeneration powers that allow me to have hours and hours of sex and it sure doesn’t make me able to walk normally afterwards. I don’t roll over and go to sleep and wish my vagina clean and my bladder empty. Though that would be my one wish, the empty bladder.

My vagina sure as hell wasn’t an undercover dominatrix when it was virginal, allowing me to all of the sudden gain superpowers that disabled all pain and taught me the wisdom of the karma sutra.

Wait, why in the world am I talking to you about my vagina? Clearly I haven’t had enough coffee this morning or I am in some alternate universe where it isn’t TMI. Alas, more about my vagina.

My vagina has a first name, it’s V-A-G-I…wait that doesn’t work.

I digress, why is it that all heroine vagina in romance novels come with mystical superpowers? Are you wondering what the hell I am on about? Sit back, I promise I won’t talk anymore about my vagina.

The Virginal Vagina

How is it that the VV as I like to call it, gets petted a few times, slurped once and all of the sudden super peen makes no pain? Did I miss this topic in Sex Ed? I don’t care how good the partner is, the first time is painful and uncomfortable for everyone. If it isn’t, you have a super vagina and I won’t bow down to it.

The Submissive Vagina

I don’t know about you all, but my vagina isn’t a submissive. It likes to play an active part in sex and doesn’t just lie there and think about sports scores. Why is it that the VV acts a slore in romance novels but the old dirty Submissive Vagina lies there and waits for rain?

The Active Duty Virginal Vagina

All I am going to say is Anita Blake. I don’t know any vagina’s like that. I don’t want to know any vaginas like that. I don’t want to know anyone’s vagina but my own TYVM.

 The Freshly Shorn Vagina

In what universe is the FWV ready to be touched and licked after having hellfire ripped out of it? Ladies, if you have ever been waxed you can attest to this fact. The only thing that vagina wants is some ice and a motrin. Not 8 hours of lickity lick…unless it’s with a vampire and his tongue really feels like frozen marble.

The Super Stealthy Fertile Vagina

How this vagina gets pregnant and not a soul knows about it until the child is sixteen and in need of a father figure, I will never know. I do know, I don’t want that vagina.

The Bodybuilder Vagina

We’ve all read about the BBV, you know the one that puts our own kegal exercises to shame. It huffs, puffs and squeezes every single last drop out of the peen. Also known as the vice-grip vagina.

The Salmon Stream Vagina

Yes, I have read it. A vagina that was referenced as something fishy. If it smells like flowers, keep on licking. If it smells like trout, get the funk out…and have it tested.

The James Bond Vagina

One lick of this vagina turns the man into a super secret agent. He must have this vagina over all other vaginas. No other vagina will do.

So now that you are fully disturbed by all things vagina, what vagina tropes in romance make you giggle?

Comments
  • Laura K. Curtis February 19, 2013 at 11:29 am

    LMAO! Oh, I needed this this morning…I have yet to read a novel with a vajazzled vagina in it, but I am sure it’s…er…coming.

  • Mikaela February 19, 2013 at 11:29 am

    <3 Thank you for writing this post! It made me laugh, and I agree totally with it.

  • Paranormal Haven February 19, 2013 at 11:39 am

    “If it smells like trout, get the funk out…and have it tested.”

    Haha! I know this has more to do with the hero but I hate when they say I want to lick your cream. Really? Thick, off-white looking liquid is oozing out and you like that? I think there’s medication one can take to clear that up.

  • Lily B February 19, 2013 at 11:44 am

    Oh gosh thats funny. I notice these in books as well. The Virginal Vagina always makes me laugh…. yeah if only that was realistic.
    Anita Blake..lol might as well have a neon sign next to it saying “come on in, we are ope 24/7″ – thought in the real world.. she would probably classified as a sex addict and sent some help.

  • kindle-aholic February 19, 2013 at 11:48 am

    I finally stopped laughing enough to type.
    Smelling like fish? What the what? If fish smells like fish that means it’s not all that great. That’s gyno 101 – if it smells like it came from the sea, get yourself in to the doc ASAP.

  • Siren Allen February 19, 2013 at 11:50 am

    I LOVE IT! This is too funny, please allow me to include a link to this on my blog!?!? I wish my VV had the power to make my fiance remember to put the toilet seat down. :(
    xoxo siren

  • davina February 19, 2013 at 11:50 am

    the james bond vagina…that is what i refer to as the platinum clad vagina. it is so awesome it must be made of pure platinum…how do i get me one of these?

    • Wicked Lil Pixie February 19, 2013 at 3:27 pm

      I don’t know D, but when you figure it out get me one too.

  • Isalys February 19, 2013 at 11:51 am

    LMFAO!! I am dying at this post…
    I have not yet become acquainted with all of these vags but I do know some and frankly, they are rather disturbing, lol. Your commentary on The Salmon Stream Vagina cracked me up…that shit is straight up nasty!

    The one I really don’t understand is the “Turbo Vag”…takes a licking and a pounding and keeps on ticking. I read one book where the couple had sex, like, 8 times in the first 100 pages (within a relatively short period of time). Let’s be honest, if any woman had that much sex in 2 days, she’s be rubbed raw and walking like a duck. Come to think of it, I’d be hella surprised if Super Peen could even get it up after that much activity!

    Oh, and the Miracle Vagina that tastes like “the sweetest nectar” and changes the lives of men. Now, I personally haven’t partaken in this particular activity (I’m strictly dickly TYVM), but aside from the Salmon Vag, I can’t imagine that there’s all that much difference between them.

  • The Mighty Buzzard February 19, 2013 at 11:52 am

    I dunno, I’ll grant you the “If it smells like trout, get the funk out” but flowers? Makes me wonder WTF you’re hiding. Are you trying to mask some evil funk so you can ninja some cooch plague upon me?

    • Wicked Lil Pixie February 19, 2013 at 3:29 pm

      I was tired, flowers were the first thing pretty that came to mind.

  • Isalys February 19, 2013 at 11:56 am

    The Mighty Buzzard
    I dunno, I’ll grant you the “If it smells like trout, get the funk out” but flowers? Makes me wonder WTF you’re hiding. Are you trying to mask some evil funk so you can ninja some cooch plague upon me?

    What? You don’t like vaginas that are vajazzled and smell a spring meadow? LOL!!

    • The Mighty Buzzard February 19, 2013 at 12:20 pm

      Honestly, I HATE the smell of flowers. Yeah, all caps hate. Disco cooch would have me actually ROTFLMAO though; which is fine if that’s what you were going for.

  • Book Savvy Babe February 19, 2013 at 11:56 am

    hahahaha, I totally almost spit coffee all over my computer! Totally w/ you on these, especially the virgin vagina, that one always drives me a little crazy… Book Savvy Babe

  • Running In Shoes February 19, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Great post. The 30 yr old virgin books end up in the DNF pile. You read a fishy vagina book, ug no thank you! That would be tossed in the DNF pile. Lol. Wouldn’t matter if the plot was good or not. The super extra creepy vagina too stupid to live vagina Bella &Edward story of world, never trust the man who says he is safe its okay, Condom up heroines your vagina is alive and unless you want to be surprised with a kid in 9 months. That last trope scares me the most.

  • j.n. duncan February 19, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    Ok, that was pretty damn awesome and hilarious. I honestly don’t read stories that include this kind of vaginal description, but it always amuses me to hear about this kind of thing, where the meeting of peen and vagina is like some kind of supernatural force, capable of great, mystical transcendence, curing cancer, or a lovely 5-course French dinner. On the other hand, “the penis went in, fun things happened, and mutual orgasms ensued” is kinda boring. So, I think readers take some of it with a grain of salt, for the glory of romance :)

  • Laura Hunsaker February 19, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    The magical hoo ha drives me nuts! Hero is healed after one time! Lol

    Great post!

  • Isalys February 19, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    The Mighty Buzzard
    Honestly, I HATE the smell of flowers. Yeah, all caps hate. Disco cooch would have me actually ROTFLMAO though; which is fine if that’s what you were going for.

    Oh shit, reading your comment reminded me of this weird memory I have of hearing about something that came “vagina scented”…I think I repressed it though because I don’t remember what it was now, lol.

    A vajazzled vag would be kind of hilarious. If you come across one, you should shine a strobe light to it and have a party, lol. I like the name “Disco Vag” ;)

  • blodeuedd February 19, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    LOL! Ok after a bad day this was fun

  • James February 19, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    You Forgot the Self-Help Vagina. That’s the one that rolls over and tells you to go fuck yourself.

    • Wicked Lil Pixie February 19, 2013 at 3:25 pm

      I don’t know what books you’ve been reading because I’ve never met one of those in a novel.

  • Ailsa February 19, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    I hate the Virginal Vagina where nothing hurts at all, and barely the next day. I read a lot of romance books before my first sexual experiences and it was frustrating for a long time to think “It’s uncomfortable, it’s not supposed to be like this” because people in books were never uncomfortable… I tend to give up on books with these things in them, because it pulls me out of any believability of the story.

  • Amanda Bonilla February 19, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    Best. Post. Ever.

  • Ale February 19, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    HAHAHAHA! BEST. POST. EVER!
    Some books do make me wonder if there is some sort of mystical vagina that has some vice-grip and smells like flowers. LOLLOL. xD
    Ahhh… This is the reason as to why this is my fave blog of all times. WLP FTW!

  • Ayana February 19, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    “All I am going to say is Anita Blake. I don’t know any vagina’s like that. I don’t want to know any vaginas like that.”

    Truer words have never been spoken! LMFAO. Brilliant post. It really made me laugh. And now I’ve read the word ‘vagina’ so many times that it’s starting to look weird…

    Ayana @ My Book Memoirs

  • Amy J February 19, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    How about the ones that after trekking through a rain forest or a desert and automatically becomes clean and perfect for dessert? I want a Sweat Repellent Vag that is fresh as a spring daisy after hours of exercise.

    • Isalys February 19, 2013 at 3:43 pm

      OMG, yes!! LMFAO! Instead of Schweaty Balls, they’re Schweaty Vag. Like in some Historical Romances where (they’re not the most clean to begin with) and they decide to go on a tour of the Sahara wearing 12 lbs of clothing and THEN they get it on. Gag!

    • Wicked Lil Pixie February 19, 2013 at 3:45 pm

      And it also never gets its period. EVER.

      • Isalys February 19, 2013 at 3:52 pm

        LMAO!! Nope!
        I would crack up if I ever read a book that has just ONE scene where the heroine is laying on the couch with a heating pad and a box of chocolates and tells the hero to just leave her the eff alone, lol

  • Parajunkee February 19, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    Um…well I guess this is a better post then an homage to moi … but I have to say, I do in my mind have a Super Vagina…I also have telekinesis, wear a size 6 and can speak four ancient languages and maybe French… TYVM.

  • kimba88 February 19, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    hehehe..thank you this was hilarious and well said!

  • Bzbell February 19, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    HILARIOUS! Love this post! As an avid reader of all types of romance, I too have had literary encounters with many of these super powered vaginas (SPV)! As long as the story is well written, and the attributes of the SPV are believable within the context of the scene/story, I usually just go with it. Except for those dang self cleaning vaginas and those instant orgasm vaginas. They really tick me off… Although I guess I’m mostly just jealous!

  • Wicked Lil Pixie February 19, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    I bet every woman would love a self cleaning vagina

    • Isalys February 19, 2013 at 4:44 pm

      I’d love a self-cleaning anything…cuz I’m lazy like that, lol

  • Jena February 19, 2013 at 5:07 pm

    WLP – you can’t be any more right about that freshly shorn waxed vag! Preach it!

  • Selma February 19, 2013 at 9:10 pm

    LOL this cracked me up. Agree – I do NOT want the super stealthy fertility vagina.

    Personally my favorite Unlikely Vagina is the Energizer Bunny Vagina- I don’t know about y’all, but i do not want the sexxors 30 times a day, with whips and chains. My V is a delicate flower I guess, what can I say.

  • Brenda February 19, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    This was the funniest but most truthful blog I have read in a long time. And thankyou so much. I thought I was the only one in the world you had problems…you know… anyhow when I read a crazy good story I marveled at how the women performed. It hasn’t been until recently that I read where the peen goes and gets a ‘towel’ to wipe her off. I would want a ‘Hot wet washcloth’ for sure if you want me to stay in your bed all night. Maybe a shower would be best. Did you ever hear the interview Barbara Walters did with a young girl starting out in the world of Porn? It was enlightening. I have other questions but I’m afraid to ask. Honest!
    Once again you said what has obviously been on a lot of ‘minds’. thanks

  • Jill Sorenson February 20, 2013 at 8:32 am

    LOL! Love all of these. I’m so with you on virginal vagina! Some women don’t feel pain but I sure did. No magical peen could have made that experience pleasurable.

  • Rain Maiden Jen February 20, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    I must say I hate the girl who likes to get her VV slapped….I think not. :-)

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Trackbacks
  • On a Book Bender February 24, 2013 at 1:01 am

    [...] WLP talks about vaginas. (And that yours isn’t special.) Read this if you’re a romance fan. [...]

     
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