It doesn’t come with mystical regeneration powers that allow me to have hours and hours of sex and it sure doesn’t make me able to walk normally afterwards. I don’t roll over and go to sleep and wish my vagina clean and my bladder empty. Though that would be my one wish, the empty bladder.
My vagina sure as hell wasn’t an undercover dominatrix when it was virginal, allowing me to all of the sudden gain superpowers that disabled all pain and taught me the wisdom of the karma sutra.
Wait, why in the world am I talking to you about my vagina? Clearly I haven’t had enough coffee this morning or I am in some alternate universe where it isn’t TMI. Alas, more about my vagina.
My vagina has a first name, it’s V-A-G-I…wait that doesn’t work.
I digress, why is it that all heroine vagina in romance novels come with mystical superpowers? Are you wondering what the hell I am on about? Sit back, I promise I won’t talk anymore about my vagina.
The Virginal Vagina
How is it that the VV as I like to call it, gets petted a few times, slurped once and all of the sudden super peen makes no pain? Did I miss this topic in Sex Ed? I don’t care how good the partner is, the first time is painful and uncomfortable for everyone. If it isn’t, you have a super vagina and I won’t bow down to it.
The Submissive Vagina
I don’t know about you all, but my vagina isn’t a submissive. It likes to play an active part in sex and doesn’t just lie there and think about sports scores. Why is it that the VV acts a slore in romance novels but the old dirty Submissive Vagina lies there and waits for rain?
The Active Duty Virginal Vagina
All I am going to say is Anita Blake. I don’t know any vagina’s like that. I don’t want to know any vaginas like that. I don’t want to know anyone’s vagina but my own TYVM.
The Freshly Shorn Vagina
In what universe is the FWV ready to be touched and licked after having hellfire ripped out of it? Ladies, if you have ever been waxed you can attest to this fact. The only thing that vagina wants is some ice and a motrin. Not 8 hours of lickity lick…unless it’s with a vampire and his tongue really feels like frozen marble.
The Super Stealthy Fertile Vagina
How this vagina gets pregnant and not a soul knows about it until the child is sixteen and in need of a father figure, I will never know. I do know, I don’t want that vagina.
The Bodybuilder Vagina
We’ve all read about the BBV, you know the one that puts our own kegal exercises to shame. It huffs, puffs and squeezes every single last drop out of the peen. Also known as the vice-grip vagina.
The Salmon Stream Vagina
Yes, I have read it. A vagina that was referenced as something fishy. If it smells like flowers, keep on licking. If it smells like trout, get the funk out…and have it tested.
The James Bond Vagina
One lick of this vagina turns the man into a super secret agent. He must have this vagina over all other vaginas. No other vagina will do.
So now that you are fully disturbed by all things vagina, what vagina tropes in romance make you giggle?